Tags: friend, friends
Current Location: My bedroom
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: none

I was at Roger and John's house on Saturday watching  the Logo channel and we seen a little tid bit on a group called Bearforce 1.  They described them as the a "Bearband"; similar to a boy band but with bears.  I thought to myself that this has to just about the most perfect group EVER!  I can finally have the music of a boy band but without all the "twinky" characteristics.  

I'm sure these guys have been around forever and everyone has commented on them like 4 million times but remember, I am in Oklahoma.  News travels a little bit slower around here!

What did I find when I searched the Internet for them?  Well, not what I expected.  I was expecting to find something a little bit more butch.  I can't remember the last time that I seen the bears around Tulsa dressed in pastel colored polo shirts,white pants, and giving each other jumping limp wristed high fives to each other.  Don't get me wrong, the guys are hot and somewhat bearish but NOT what I was expecting!

I guess I was expecting them to be as good as the other bear artist out there like Matthew Temple, Shannon Grady(sorry if I butchered that name), Elijah Black, and Kendall.  Yes, I am biased to these guys because I have seen them perform live and I know they can SING! 

Anyways, check out Bear Force 1 if you would like, they are entertaining and I guess that is the point.  I might break out some of their dance moves the next time I go to the club! LMAO!

http://www.bearforce1.nl/

Tags: 1, bear, bearband, boyband, force, gay
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Bear Force 1

 I haven't done a damn thing today here at work except for listen to some kick ass music.  I've been mixing it up with some of the Eagles, David Bowie, Kiss, Garth Brooks, 2-PAC, some Kendall videos ;), James Taylor, Matthew Temple, Linkin Park, Elijah Black, Staind, hell I've even thrown some dance music in there for good measure.  

Its not that I don't want to work, well take that back, I really don't want to work...but I haven't had any phone calls today.  I know, I know...not an excuse but I can't get motivated to work.  I'm excited about this weekend!

Friday at 4:30---Leave for Oklahoma City to party my ass off tonight and tomorrow at the famous sleazy Habana Inn!

Saturday:  Recover from Friday night, watch the bowling tournament that a friend is in, and start drinking again.  

Sunday:  Wake up, take Tylenol....hit the road for Kansas City, MO.  Meet up with friend from all over the U.S. at the Cashew for the Garth Brooks concert!  WOOOHOOO!!!  

Monday: RECOVER!

I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend!

Chris

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: To much to list....

Well.....where do i start.  Short recap.  Fell in love back in the first of the year, had my heart broke.  Stayed quite for a while.  Met Brian in KS...everything was going good at first.  Slowly things started getting weird.  I think it is because we are to much alike.  We are both opinionated, outspoken, and don't take shit from anyone.  All though this would make an amazing friendship,  when it comes to trying to make a relationship out of it, it dosen't work so well.  I think....and thinking usually gets me in trouble....Brian wants or more so needs someone that will "submit" to him and not question his authority.  Someone that will accept things as being the way they are because he says so and not question it.  That is not me...I'm sorry.  I haven't talked to him in over a week now.  He said he was going to call but he never did.  I can't say that I am completely tore up about it.  I would rather find out early that we are not compatible than to try and fool ourselves into thinking we are.  Brian is who he is and I don't want to change that.  It is not fair of me to try and change him and also not fair of him to try and change me.  

I have realized through a great amount of help through some new friends that there IS a life in Tulsa, you just have to know the right places to go.  Went out Friday night with Roger and John, a couple that is so very nice and fun to hang around.  Got a little bit drunk at the first bar, kept right on at it at the second bar.  Met some really cool guys, showed me how to have a REALLY good time on the patio outside the bar. <SUPER BIG EVIL GRIN>  Anyways....I think I needed to experience life around here more and realize there is more to do than sit behind a computer all weekend.

Seen the best show of my life Saturday night at the Tulsa Eagle.  I went to the Bears on the Run tour and it ROCKED!  I had met Matthew Temple online quite a while back and had talked to him off and on through Yahoo Messenger.  He is one of the nicest, sweetest guys I could ever have the pleasure of meeting.  He had told me that the tour was going to be in town back in the summer and wanted me to come out to meet him.  I did and boy am I glad I did.  Not only did I see a great show but I had the pleasure of meeting the nicest group of guys.  Shannon, Kendall, Elijah, Bobaloo, John, Matthew; you are great.  It was sad to leave the hotel Sunday morning.  

More to come later on.  Need to head to bed.

Tags: bears, bears on the run, bobaloo, eagle, gay, kendall, matthew temple
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Matthew Temple/The Journey

I am intrigued by this person.  I have been reading his thoughts for a while now and I must say that they draw me in and leave me hanging on every word.  I doubt he has any clue that his words mean so much to me, that his experiences in the past are so much like my own I'm going through now, or that he gives me hope just from his positive outlook that things happen for a reason.

When he talks of love gone wrong in the past, of men throwing the words "I love  you" around like they have no meaning, and loving with all your heart of none at all it seems as though he has got inside my head and took all the thoughts and put them in his own words.  

This is one person that I would be honored to shake his hand, buy him a beer and say "Thank You".   

Here's to you, Rick.  Thank you, sir for being you.

Chris

Current Mood: happy

If I was in a contest to see who could do the LEAST amount of anything in a particular day, I think I would be a winner.  I have not done a damn thing today but lay around the house and watch TV!  To be honest, I did go out and drink at the Casino Friday night and then went to some friends house last night and drank again.  I don't feel hungover...I think it is just the fact that I stayed up late for 2 nights in a row caught up with me!  After I ate lunch today I burped and still tasted Jack and Coke.....not that tastey when it comes up like that.

It looks like I finally have a reader to my LJ!  Thanks for the comment, buddy!  I started this LJ as form of therapy, to write down some stuff to try and get it out of my head and it worked for the most part.  Now, I'll probably be writing with a lighter mood to my journal.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: TV instead.

That is the question.  Switch what?  Jobs, should I switch jobs?  Do I refer to it as a career if I have been doing it 7 years?  Or if I am in the same line of work, would it just be switching jobs? LOL I ask to many questions, don't I?  See, that is another question! 

I am a Computer Technician/Network Administrator/Systems Analyst/Whatever needs to be done person. 

The job I am at now is pretty great in some aspects, but really terrible in others.  For one, I don't have anybody constantly looking over my shoulder to see what I am doing.  When I think about it though, that is also a negative.  I am not one of those people that needs someone to lead them around by the hand to show them what needs to be done, I work quite well by myself but 95% of the people at this Agency don't know when I am here or when I am gone.  Untill they need something from me, they don't acknowledge me except for a "Hello" in the hallway.  Please don't get me wrong, if they were constantly calling me that would mean something was wrong.  Someone told me once, "The greatest compliment to any IT person is silence."  What he meant by this is that if people are not calling you, then you are doing a good job.  The network is running well, the comptuters are funning well, and that means silence on your end.  I guess I take it personal when I get left out when they have cake and ice cream for birthday parties, going away parties, office luncheons, etc....

You might be thinking, is this guy really going to quit because he didn't get any cake?  No, they are other things as well.  One of them is, they  have a steak appetite on a bologna budget.  They want all things fast and wonderful in the computer world but don't want to and will not spend the money.  They ask me to make recomendations on what they need to do to get closer to the Technology curve, I make reports, I tell them in person and yet it all falls on deaf ears when it comes down to spending the money.  I feel like I am wasting time here.  There is so much I could be doing here to improve the Network design, the hardware, but they won't spend the money.  So I keep adding Band-Aids to stop the bleeding.  

I have a job interview on Wednesday so I guess I will see what they have to offer.  Sit down with the pros and cons of each and see which way the scales tip.

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: The hum of servers

Well, well, well....here I am again thinking about the friend that I lost and how even the simple things remind me of the time we shared together.  

I finally realized that love cannot be one sided, it takes two to be in love and yes I will admit that I was in love with "RB".  I still love him but I am not IN LOVE with him.  A part of my brain wants to erase his memory completely and to move forward but I cannot do that.  Why, you ask?  Because I consider him to be a friend.  This is where I get stuck in the loop because I then ask the question, "why do you consider him a friend after him bailing on you like that"?  Good question....a question that I don't have the answer for.  Maybe it is because once I make a true friend, I keep them in my heart forever.  Maybe it is because I want to beleive that it was not his intentions for things to go this way and he would change them if he could.  

Who knows what the real answer is, I don't think I do.

Every Mile a Memory--Dierks Bentley

Country Roads, old theatre marquee signs;
Parkin' lots, and billboards flyin' by.
Spanish mosques, little hick town squares;
Wild roses on a river bank: girl its almost like you're there

Oh, every mile, a memory; every song, another scene,
From some old movie going back in time you and me.
Every day, a page turned down; every night, a lonesome sound,
Like a freight train rollin' through my dreams:
Every mile, a memory.

Red sun down, out across the western sky,
Takes me back to the fire in your eyes.
Texas stars in a purple night.
Not seein' 'em with you baby: oh, they never do it right, no.

Every mile, a memory; every song, another scene,
From some old movie going back in time you and me.
Every day, a page turned down; every night, a lonesome sound,
Like a freight train rollin' through my dreams:
Every mile, a memory.

Funny how no matter where I run,
Round every bend I only see,
Just how far I haven't come.

Every mile, a memory; every song, another scene,
From some old movie going back in time you and me.
Every day, a page turned down; every night, a lonesome sound,
Like a freight train rollin' through my dreams:
Every mile, a memory;
Every mile, a memory;
Every mile, a memory.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Country

Love or friendship?

The love from the friendship?

The friendship that came from love?

None of the above?

Since I haven't been sleeping at night, I have had a lot of time to think.  What exactly am I missing from "RB"?  The more I think about it, the more I am leaning towards the friendship that I lost, and the love that came from that friendship.  Does that make any sense?  

I miss talking to him and there are so many things I see that remind me of him and the good times we had chatting on messenger, and the few days we spent together.  Not being able to laugh with him, at him, him laughing at me, seeing how school is going, all of those things.....THOSE are things I am missing most.  

He is a great friend and I want the friendship back so bad.  I realized that I don't have to have the intimate side of the relationship to fill the void in my heart, I just need my friend.  Does any of this make any sense at all?

If you go back through my journals you will see that I have felt quite a few emotions over this situation.  I was very pissed at first because I thought I was lied to about his relationship status.  That feeling quickly went away though because my desire for him to be happy took over.  From the bottom of my heart, I want "RB" to be happy where ever he is , whatever he is doing, who ever he is with.  Sadness has been another emotion, sad that I lost a great friend so abruptly without having a chance to say goodbye and not having that closure.  Similar to what you feel when you lose someone to death.  There are so many things you want them to know and how you wish for just one more day with them, but sadly you realize that you will not get that chance.  

Now, loneliness has set in.  Loneliness that made me think that I wanted him back as a lover because I thought that is what I was missing.   No, I miss the friendship.  Having someone to listen to me when I need to bitch, someone that will give me honest advice, someone that I can share excitement with, a true friend.  

The love in my heart is still there for "RB", just like it is for every TRUE friend I have ever had.  I miss you buddy.

Chris

Current Mood: drained

The clear sunny days that I thought were the sign of me making progress turned out to only be the eye of the hurricane.  The storm clouds of heart ache have darkened my days once again :(  

Why can I not get over "RB"?  Seems like everything I see or do reminds me of him.

Red PT Cruisers----the rental car we had in Florida
"Canadians"-----that takes some explaining to do.
Florida---anything to do with the entire state
Utah---The place he said he wanted to go with me this summer
Reese's Peices---the Reese's peices that he gave me before I left to come home are still in my candy dish right here.
Yahoo Messenger----I keep thinking that he will pop online just to say "Hi".
College---He was persuing he degree, seeing him do this gave me the confidence to go back to school
Roller coasters---sitting so close to him on the coasters
Vulcan Motocycles---the bike that he rides
Sprint Cars----one of the many intrests we shared
Dance music---his amazing collection of CD's we jammed to
Dimples---His handsome dimples on his handsome face
Burberry Cologne---the scent he let me borrow
Kennith Cole---the cologne he wore
Black and White Photographs---his self proclamied passion, he is an amazing at it too.

I can go on and on of how everything I see can be related back to him in some way or another.   Or how I just cant seem to delete the last picture I have of him on my computer.  I have tried....I really have!  Everytime I try and click No.

I wish I could find the strenth to either get over him or for him to come back into my life and see what kind of life we can share together.  

"I'm dying inside, and no body knows it but me."

Current Mood: sad